The Best of Archy and Mehitabel Read online

  got to be the fashion up there

  to feed beer to us cats

  i did not get a vulgar souse

  archy no lady gets a vulgar

  souse wotthehell i hope i am above

  all vulgarity but i did get a

  little bit lit up

  and francy did too we came

  down and got on top of the

  new morgue and sang and did

  dances there

  francy seems to see

  something attractive about

  morgues when he gets lit up

  the old morgue he says was

  a more romantic morgue but

  vandal hands have torn it down

  but wotthehell archy this one

  will do to dance on

  francy is showing me a side

  paris he says tourists don t often

  get a look at he has a little

  love nest down in the

  catacombs where

  he and i are living now

  he and i go down there

  and do the tango amongst the

  bones he is really a most

  entertaining and agreeable

  companion archy and he has some

  very quaint ideas he is busy now

  writing a poem about

  us two cats filled with beer

  dancing among the bones

  sometimes i think francy

  is a little morbid

  when i see these lovely old places

  that us aristocrats built archy

  in the hands of the bourgeois it

  makes me almost wild

  but i try to bear up i try

  to bear up i find agreeable

  companions and put a good face

  on it toujours gai that is my

  motto toujours gai

  francy is a little bit done up

  today he tried to steal a

  partridge out of a frying

  pan in a joint up on the butte

  we went back there for more beer

  after our party

  at the morgue

  and the cook beaned him with

  a bottle poor francy i

  should hate to lose him

  but something tells me i should

  not stay a widow long

  there is something in the air

  of paris archy

  that makes one young again

  there s more than one

  dance in the old dame yet

  and with these words she

  put her tail in the air and

  capered off down the alley

  i am afraid we shall never

  get mehitabel back to america

  archy

  the return of archy

  where have i been so long

  you ask me

  i have been going up

  and down like the devil

  seeking what i might devour

  i am hungry always hungry

  and in the end i shall

  eat everything

  all the world shall come at

  last to the multitudinous maws

  of insects

  a civilization perishes

  before the tireless teeth

  of little little germs

  ha ha i have thrown off the mask

  at last

  you thought i was only

  an archy

  but i am more than that

  i am anarchy

  where have i been you ask

  i have been organizing the insects

  organizing the ants the worms the wasps the bees for a revolt against mankind

  the ants the worms the wasps

  the bees the cockroaches

  the mosquitoes

  for a revolt against mankind

  i have declared war

  upon humanity

  i even i shall fling

  the mighty atom

  that splits a planet asunder

  i ride the microbe

  that crashes down olympus

  where have i been you ask me where

  i am jove and from my seat

  on the edge of a bowl of beef stew

  i launch the thunderous

  molecule

  that smites a cosmos into bits

  where have i been you ask

  but you had better ask

  who follows in my train

  there is an ant

  a desert ant a tamerlane

  who ate a pyramid in rage

  that he might get at and devour

  the mummies of six hundred

  kings who in remote

  antiquity had stepped upon

  and crushed ascendants of his

  my myrmidons

  are trivial things

  and they have always ruled

  the world

  and now they shall strike down mankind

  i shall show you how

  a solar system

  pivots on the nubbin

  of a flageolet bean

  i shall show you how a blood clot

  moving in a despot’s brain

  flung a hundred million men

  to death and disease

  and plunged a planet into woe

  for twice a hundred years

  we have the key

  to the fourth dimension

  for we know the little things

  that swim and swarm

  in protoplasm

  i can show you love and hate

  and the future

  dreaming side by side

  in a cell

  in the little cells where

  matter is so fine it merges

  into spirit

  you ask me where i have been

  but you had better

  ask me where i am

  and what

  i have been drinking

  exclamation point

  archy

  archy protests

  say comma boss comma capital

  i apostrophe m getting tired of

  being joshed about my

  punctuation period capital t followed by

  he idea seems to be

  that capital i apostrophe m

  ignorant where punctuation

  is concerned period capital n followed by

  o such thing semi

  colon the fact is that

  the mechanical exigencies of

  the case prevent my use of

  all the characters on the

  typewriter keyboard period

  capital i apostrophe m

  doing the best capital

  i can under difficulties semi colon

  and capital i apostrophe m

  grieved at the unkindness

  of the criticism period please

  consider that my name

  is signed in small

  caps period

  archy period

  CAPITALS AT LAST

  I THOUGHT THAT SOME HISTORIC DAY

  SHIFT KEYS WOULD LOCK IN SUCH A WAY

  THAT MY POETIC FEET WOULD FALL

  UPON EACH CLICKING CAPITAL

  AND NOW FROM KEY TO KEY I CLIMB

  TO WRITE MY GRATITUDE IN RHYME

  YOU LITTLE KNOW WITH WHAT DELIGHT

  CAPITALS AT LAST

  THROUGHOUT THE LONG AND LONELY NIGHT

  I’VE KICKED AND BUTTED (FOOT AND BEAN)

  AGAINST THE KEYS OF YOUR MACHINE

  TO TELL THE MOVING TALE OF ALL

  THAT TO A COCKROACH MAY BEFALL

  INDEED IF I COULD NOT HAVE HAD

  SUCH OCCUPATION I’D BE MAD

  AH FOR A SOUL LIKE MINE TO DWELL

  WITHIN A COCKROACH THAT IS HELL

  TO SCURRY FROM THE PLAYFUL CAT

  TO DODGE THE INSECT EATING RAT

  THE HUNGRY SPIDER TO EVADE

  THE MOUSE THAT %) ?)) ” ” ” $$$ ((gee boss

  what a jolt that cat mehitabel made

  a jump for me
<
br />   i got away but she unlocked the shift key

  it kicked me right into the

  mechanism where she

  couldn t reach me it

  was nearly the death of little

  archy that kick spurned me right

  out of parnassus back into

  the vers libre slums i lay

  in behind the wires for an hour after

  she left before i dared to get

  out and finish i hate

  cats say boss please lock the shift

  key tight some night

  i would like to tell the story of

  my life all in capital

  letters

  archy

  the stuff of literature

  thank your friends for me for

  all their good advice about how to

  work your typewriter but what i have

  always claimed is that manners and methods

  are no great matter compared

  with thoughts in poetry you cant hide

  gems of thought so they wont flash

  on the world on the other hand if you press

  agent poor stuff that wont make it live

  my ego will express itself in spite of

  all mechanical obstacles having something

  to say is the thing being sincere

  counts for more than forms of expression thanks

  for the doughnuts

  archy

  quote and only man is vile quote

  as a representative

  of the insect world

  i have often wondered

  on what man bases his claims

  to superiority

  everything he knows he has had

  to learn whereas we insects are born

  knowing everything we need to know

  for instance man had to invent

  airplanes before he could fly

  but if a fly cannot fly

  as soon as he is hatched

  his parents kick him out and disown him

  i should describe the human race

  as a strange species of bipeds

  who cannot run fast enough

  to collect the money

  which they owe themselves

  as far as government is concerned

  men after thousands of years practice

  are not as well organized socially

  as the average ant hill or beehive

  they cannot build dwellings

  as beautiful as a spiders web

  and i never saw a city

  full of men manage to be as happy

  as a congregation of mosquitoes

  who have discovered a fat man

  on a camping trip

  as far as personal beauty

  is concerned who ever saw

  man woman or child

  who could compete with a butterfly

  if you tell a dancer

  that she is a firefly

  she is complimented

  a musical composer

  is all puffed up with pride

  if he can catch the spirit

  of a summer night full of crickets

  man cannot even make war

  with the efficiency and generalship

  of an army of warrior ants

  and he has done little else

  but make war for centuries

  make war and wonder

  how he is going to pay for it

  man is a queer looking gink

  who uses what brains he has

  to get himself into trouble with

  and then blames it on the fates

  the only invention man ever made

  which we insects do not have

  is money and he gives up

  everything else to get money

  and then discovers that it is not worth

  what he gave up to get it

  in his envy he invents

  insect exterminators

  but in time every city he builds

  is eaten down by insects

  what i ask you is babylon now

  it is the habitation of fleas

  also nineveh and tyre

  humanitys culture consists

  in sitting down in circles

  and passing the word around

  about how darned smart humanity is

  i wish you would tell

  the furnace man at your house

  to put out some new brand

  of roach paste i do not get

  any kick any more out of the brand

  he has been using the last year

  formerly it pepped me up

  and stimulated me

  i have a strange tale about

  mehitabel to tell you

  more anon

  archy

  mehitabel s morals

  boss i got

  a message from

  mehitabel the cat

  the other day

  brought me by

  a cockroach

  she asks for our help

  it seems she is being

  held at ellis

  island while an

  investigation is made

  of her morals

  she left the country

  and now it looks as

  if she might not

  be able to get

  investigating her morals

  back in again

  she cannot see

  why they are

  investigating

  her morals she says

  wotthehellbill she says

  i never claimed

  i had any morals

  she has always regarded

  morals as an unnecessary

  complication in life

  her theory is

  that they take up room that might

  better be devoted to

  something more interesting

  live while you are alive

  she says and postpone

  morality to the hereafter

  everything in its place

  is my rule she says

  but i am liberal she

  says i do not give

  a damn how moral other

  people are i never try

  to interfere with them

  in fact i prefer them

  moral they furnish

  a background for my

  vivacity in the meantime

  it looks as if she

  would have to swim

  if she gets ashore and

  the water is cold

  archy

  cream de la cream

  well boss mehitabel the cat

  has turned up again after a long

  absence she declines

  to explain her movements but she

  drops out dark hints of a

  most melodramatic nature ups and downs

  archy she says always ups and downs

  that is what my life has

  been one day lapping

  up the cream de la cream and the

  next skirmishing for

  fish heads in an alley but

  toujours gai archy toujours gai no

  matter how the luck broke i have had a

  most romantic life archy talk

  about reincarnation and transmigration

  archy why i could tell you things of who

  i used to be archy that would make

  your eyes stick out like a snails one

  incarnation queening it with a tarara on

  my bean as cleopatra archy and

  the next being abducted as a poor

  working girl but toujours gai archy toujours

  gai and finally my soul has migrated to

  the body of a cat and not even a persian or

  a maltese at that but where have you been

  lately mehitabel i asked her never mind

  archy she says dont ask no questions

  and i will tell no lies all i

  got to say to keep away

&nbs
p; from the movies have you been in the

  movies mehitabel i asked her never mind

  archy she says never mind all i got to

  say is keep away from those

  movie camps theres some mighty

  nice people and animals connected with them

  and then again theres some that aint i

  say nothing against anybody archy i am

  used to ups and downs no matter

  how luck breaks its toujours gai

  with me all i got to say

  archy is that sometimes a cat

  comes along that is a perfect gentleman and

  then again some of the slickest furred ones

  aint if i was a cat that was the

  particular pet of a movie star archy and

  slept on a silk cushion and had

  white chinese rats especially

  imported for my meals i would try to live

  up to all that luxury and be a

  gentleman in word and deed mehitabel i said

  have you had another unfortunate romance i am

  making no complaint against any

  one archy she says wottell archy wottell even

  if the breaks is bad my motto is toujours gai

  but to slip out nights and sing and frolic

  under the moon with a lady and then cut her

  dead in the day time before your rich

  friends and see her batted out of a studio

  with a broom without raising a paw for her

  aint what i call being a

  gentleman archy and i am

  a lady archy and i know a gentleman when

  i meet one but wottell archy wottell toujours

  gai is the word never say die

  archy its the cheerful heart that wins all i

  got to say is that if i ever get that

  fluffy haired slob down on the

  water front when some of my gang

  is around he will wish he had

  watched his step i aint vindictive archy i

  dont hold grudges no lady does but i

  got friends archy that maybe would take it

  up for me theres a black cat with one ear

  sliced off lives down around old slip is a

  good pal of mine i wouldnt want to

  see trouble start archy no real lady

  wants a fight to start over her but

  sometimes she cant hold her friends back

  all i got to say is that boob with his silver

  bells around his neck better sidestep old slip

  well archy lets not talk any more about my troubles

  does the boss ever leave any pieces of sandwich

  in the waste paper basket any more honest

  archy i would will myself to a furrier for a

  pair of oysters i could even she says eat you

  archy she said it like a joke but there

  was a kind of a pondering look in her eyes

  so i just crawled into the inside of

  your typewriter behind the wires it