The Best of Archy and Mehitabel Read online

  seemed safer let her hustle for a

  mouse if she is as hungry as all that

  but i am afraid she never will she

  is too romantic to work

  archy

  mehitabel tries companionate marriage

  boss i have seen mehitabel the cat

  again and she has just been through

  another matrimonial experience

  she said in part as follows

  i am always the sap archy

  always the good natured simp

  always believing in the good intentions

  of those deceitful tom cats

  always getting married at leisure

  and repenting in haste

  its wrong for an artist to marry

  a free spirit has gotta

  live her own life

  about three months ago along came a

  maltese tom with a black heart and

  silver bells on his neck and says

  mehitabel be mine

  are you abducting me percy i asks him

  no said he i am offering marriage

  honorable up to date

  companionate marriage

  listen i said if its marriage

  are you abducting me percy

  theres a catch in it somewheres

  ive been married again and again

  and its been my experience

  that any kind of marriage

  means just one dam kitten after another

  and domesticity always ruins my art

  but this companionate marriage says he

  is all assets and no liabilities

  its something new mehitabel

  be mine mehitabel and i promise

  a life of open ice boxes

  creamed fish and catnip

  well i said wotthehell kid

  if its something new i will take a

  chance theres a dance or two

  in the old dame yet

  i will try any kind of marriage once

  you look like a gentleman to me percy

  well archy i was wrong as usual

  i wont go into details for i aint

  any tabloid newspaper

  but the way it worked out was i rustled

  grub for that low lived bum for two

  months and when the kittens came

  he left me flat and he says these

  offsprings dissolves the wedding

  i am always the lady archy

  i didn t do anything vulgar

  i removed his left eye with one claw

  and i says to him if i wasn t an

  aristocrat id rip you

  from gehenna to duodenum

  the next four flusher that

  says marriage to me

  i may really lose my temper

  trial marriage or companionate

  marriage or old fashioned american

  plan three meals a day marriage

  with no thursdays off

  they are all the same thing

  marriage is marriage

  and you cant laugh that curse off

  archy

  archy turns revolutionist

  if all the bugs

  in all the worlds

  twixt earth and betelgoose

  should sharpen up

  their little stings

  and turn their feelings loose

  they soon would show

  all human beans

  in saturn

  earth

  or mars

  their relative significance

  among the spinning stars

  man is so proud

  the haughty simp

  so hard for to approach

  and he looks down

  with such an air

  on spider

  midge

  or roach

  the supercilious silliness

  of this poor wingless bird

  is cosmically comical

  and stellarly absurd

  his scutellated occiput

  has holes somewhere inside

  and there no doubt

  two pints or so

  of scrambled brains reside

  if all the bugs

  of all the stars

  should sting him on the dome

  they might pierce through

  that osseous rind

  and find the brains at home

  and in the convolutions lay

  an egg with fancies fraught

  which

  germinating rapidly

  might turn into a thought

  might turn into the thought

  that men

  and insects are the same

  both transient flecks

  of starry dust

  that out of nothing came

  the planets are

  what atoms are

  and neither more nor less

  man s feet have grown

  so big that he

  forgets his littleness

  the things he thinks

  are only things

  that insects always knew

  the things he does

  are stunts that we

  don t have to think to do

  he spent a score

  of centuries

  in getting feeble wings

  which we instinctively

  acquired

  with other trivial things

  the day is coming

  very soon

  when man and all his race

  must cast their silly

  pride aside

  and take the second place

  i ll take the bugs

  of all the stars

  and tell them of my plan

  and fling them with

  their myriad stings

  against the tyrant man

  dear boss this outburst

  is the result

  of a personal insult

  as so much verse always is

  maybe you know how

  that is yourself

  i dropped into an irish

  stew in a restaurant

  the waiter plucked me out

  the other evening

  for a warm bath and a bite

  to eat and a low browed

  waiter plucked me out

  and said to me

  if you must eat i will

  lead you to the

  food i have especially prepared

  for you and he took me

  to the kitchen

  and tried to make me

  fill myself with

  a poisonous concoction

  known cynically as roach food

  can you wonder

  that my anger

  against the whole human

  race has blazed forth in

  song when the revolution

  comes i shall

  do my best to save

  you you have so many

  points that are far

  from being human

  archy

  as it looks to archy

  ants go on their cheerful way

  merrily from day to day

  building cities out of sand

  and they seem to understand

  dwelling therein peacefully

  disciplined and orderly

  and the much lauded bee contrives

  for to fill his thundering hives

  with a ranked society

  based on work and honesty

  and a thousand neat examples

  could i cite of insect lives

  free from much that tears and tramples

  human beings and their wives

  even the coral in the ocean

  throughout his dim and damp existence

  scorns political commotion

  and labors with a glad persistence

  worthy of large commendations

  to erect his naval stations

  man the universal simp

  follows lagging with a limp

&nb
sp; treading on his neighbors toes

  the way the little insect goes

  in a million years or more

  man may learn the simple lore

  of how the bees are organized

  and why the ants are civilized

  may even hope for to approach

  the culture of an average roach

  if he is humble and not smug

  may emulate the tumble bug

  for we insects now inherit

  all humanity has builded

  all they raised with brawn and spirit

  all the domes and spires they gilded

  time the anthropophagous

  swallows down all human works

  through his broad esophagus

  moslems christians hindus turks

  pass to their sarcophagus

  leaving nothing much on earth

  which even beetles find of worth

  may emulate the tumble bug

  i mention nineveh and tyre

  i cite the tower of babel

  troy which fell into the fire

  and sodom with its rabble

  where are all the towns of siddim

  where the kings of crete

  long long since the desert hid em

  and the spiders bite their feet

  following an old convention

  dating back to jeremiah

  i might even mention

  babylon i might enquire

  where o where is babylon

  and the echo answers where

  for its former ruling wizards

  sleep in sand and silicon

  with gravel in their gizzards

  and sand burrs in their hair

  and the centipedes are dancing

  in the chambers of the palace

  where the kings and queens entrancing

  used to quaff the ruby chalice

  and proceed to their romancing

  i look forward to the day

  when the human race is done

  and we insects romp and play

  freely underneath the sun

  and no roach paste is scattered

  about anywhere i got another jolt of it

  last night and today i seem to have a case

  of intestinal flu the trouble with you

  human beings is you are just plain wicked

  archy

  archy a low brow

  boss i saw a picture

  of myself in a paper

  the other day

  writing on a typewriter

  with some of my feet

  i wish it was as easy

  as that what i have to do

  is dive at each key

  on the machine

  and bump it with my head

  and sometimes it telescopes

  my occiput into my

  vertebrae and i have a

  permanent callus

  on my forehead

  i am in fact becoming

  a low brow think of it

  me with all my learning

  to become a low brow

  hoping that you

  will remain the same

  i am as ever your

  faithful little bug

  archy

  i am in fact becoming a low brow

  ballade of the under side

  by archy

  the roach that scurries

  skips and runs

  may read far more than those

  that fly

  i know what family skeletons

  within your closets

  swing and dry

  not that i ever

  play the spy

  but as in corners

  dim i bide

  i can t dodge knowledge

  though i try

  i see things from

  the under side

  the lordly ones the

  haughty ones

  with supercilious

  heads held high

  the up stage stiff

  pretentious guns

  miss much that meets

  my humbler eye

  not that i meddle

  perk or pry

  but i m too small

  to feel great pride

  and as the pompous world

  goes by

  i see things from

  the under side

  above me wheel

  the stars and suns

  but humans shut

  me from the sky

  you see their eyes as pure

  as nuns

  i see their wayward

  feet and sly

  i own and own it with

  a sigh

  my point of view

  is somewhat wried

  i am a pessimistic

  guy

  i see things from the

  under side

  l envoi

  prince ere you pull a bluff

  and lie

  before you fake

  and play the snide

  consider whether

  archy s nigh

  i see things from

  the under side

  archy wants to end it all

  well boss from time

  to time i just simply

  get bored with having

  to be a cockroach my

  soul my real ego if

  you get what i mean is

  tired of being shut

  up in an insects body the

  best you can say for it is that it

  is unusual and you could

  say as much for mumps so

  while feeling gloomy the

  other night the thought came

  to me why not

  go on to the next stage as

  soon as possible why not

  commit suicide and

  maybe be reincarnated in

  some higher form of life why

  not be the captain of my

  soul the master of my fate and

  the more i pondered over it the

  more i was attracted to

  the notion well boss you would

  be surprised to find

  out how hard it is for a

  cockroach to commit suicide unless

  you have been one

  and tried it of course i

  could let mehitabel the

  cat damage me and die that

  way but all my finer sensibilities

  revolt at the idea i jumped out

  the fourth story window and

  a wind caught me and blew

  me into the eighth story i

  tried to hang myself with a

  thread and i am so light i

  just swung back and forth and

  didnt even choke myself shooting

  is out of the question and poison

  is not within

  my reach i might drown myself

  in the ink well but if

  you ever got a mouthful of it you

  would know it was a

  thing no refined person could go

  on with boss i am going to

  end it all before long and i

  want to go easy have you

  any suggestion yours

  for transmigration

  archy

  archygrams

  the wood louse sits on a splinter

  and sings to the rising sap

  aint it awful how winter

  lingers in springtimes lap

  it is a good

  thing not to be too

  aristocratic

  the oldest and

  most pedigreed

  families in this

  country are the

  occupants of various sarcophagi

  in the museums

  but it is dull associating

  with mummies no

  matter how royal their

  blood used to be when

  they had blood

  it is like living in

  philadelphia

  hones
ty is a good

  thing but

  it is not profitable to

  its possessor

  unless it is

  kept under control

  if you are not

  honest at all

  everybody hates you

  and if you are

  absolutely honest

  you get martyred.

  as i was crawling

  through the holes in

  a swiss cheese

  the other

  day it occurred to

  me to wonder

  what a swiss cheese

  would think if

  a swiss cheese

  could think and after

  cogitating for some

  time i said to myself

  if a swiss cheese

  could think

  it would think that

  a swiss cheese

  was the most important

  thing in the world

  just as everything that

  can think at all

  does think about itself

  these anarchists that

  are going to

  destroy organized

  society and civilization

  and everything remind

  me of an ant i

  knew one time

  he was a big red ant a

  regular bull of an

  ant and he came bulging down a

  garden path and ran

  into a stone gate post curses on

  you said the ant to the

  stone gate post get out of my

  way but the stone never budged

  i will kick you over

  said the ant and he kicked but

  it only hurt his hind legs

  well then said

  the ant i will eat you down and

  he began taking little bites

  in a great rage maybe i said

  you will do it in

  time but it will

  spoil your digestion first

  a good many

  failures are happy

  because they don t

  realize it many a

  cockroach believes

  himself as beautiful

  as a butterfly

  have a heart o have

  a heart and

  let them dream on

  boss i believe

  that the

  millennium will

  get here some day

  but i could

  compile quite a list

  of persons

  who will have

  to go

  first

  tis very seldom i have felt

  drawn to a scallop or a smelt

  and still more rarely do i feel

  love for the sleek electric eel

  the oyster is useful in his fashion

  but has little pride or passion