The Best of Archy and Mehitabel Read online

  when the proud ibexes start from sleep

  in the early alpine morns

  at once from crag to crag they leap

  alighting on their horns

  and may a dozen times rebound

  ere resting haughty on the ground

  i do not like their trivial pride

  nor think them truly dignified

  did you ever

  notice that when

  a politician

  does get an idea

  he usually

  gets it all wrong

  the artist always pays

  boss i visited mehitabel last night

  at her home in shinbone alley

  she sat on a heap of frozen refuse

  with those strange new kittens she has

  frolicking around her

  and sang a little song at the cold moon

  which went like this

  i have had my ups i have had my downs

  i never was nobodys pet

  i got a limp in my left hind leg

  but theres life in the old dame yet

  my first boy friend was a maltese tom

  quite handsomely constructed

  i trusted him but the first thing i knew

  i was practically abducted

  then i took up with a persian prince

  a cat by no means plain

  and that exotic son of a gun

  abducted me again

  what chance has an innocent kitten got

  with the background of a lady

  when feline blighters betray her trust

  in ways lowlifed and shady

  my next boy friend was a yellow bum

  who loafed down by the docks

  i rustled that gonifs rats for him

  and he paid me with hard knocks

  i have had my ups i have had my downs

  i have led a helluva life

  it was all these abductions unsettled my mind

  for being somebodys wife

  today i am here tomorrow flung

  on a scow bound down the bay

  but wotthehell o wotthehell

  i m a lady thats toujours gai

  my next boy friend was a theater cat

  a kind of a backstage pet

  he taught me to dance and get me right

  theres a dance in the old dame yet

  my next boy friend he left me flat

  with a family and no milk

  and i says to him as i lifted his eye

  i ll learn ye how to bilk

  i have had my ups i have had my downs

  i have been through the mill

  but in spite of a hundred abductions kid

  i am a lady still

  my next friend wore a ribbon and bells

  but he laughed and left me broke

  and i said as i sliced him into scraps

  laugh off this little joke

  some day my guts will be fiddle strings

  but my ghost will dance while they play

  for they cant take the pep from the old girls soul

  and i am toujours gai

  my heart has been broken a thousand times

  i have had my downs and ups

  but the queerest thing ever happened to me

  is these kittens as turned out pups

  o wotthehell o toujours gai

  i never had time to fret

  i danced to whatever tune was played

  and theres life in the old dame yet

  i have had my ups i have had my downs

  i have been through the mill

  but i said when i clawed that coyotes face

  thank god i am a lady still

  and then she added looking at those

  extraordinary kittens of hers

  archy i wish you would

  take a little trip up to the zoo

  and see if they have any department there

  for odd sizes and new species

  i got to find a home

  for these damned freaks somewhere

  poor little things my heart bleeds for them

  it agonizes my maternal instinct

  one way or another an artist always pays

  archy

  why the earth is round

  the men of science are talking

  about the size and shape of the universe again

  i thought i had settled that for them

  years ago it is as big as you think it is

  and it is spherical in shape

  can you prove it isnt

  it is round like a ball or an orange

  providence made it that shape

  so it would roll when he kicked it

  and if you ask me how i know this

  the answer is that that is just what

  i would do myself

  if there are any other practical

  scientific questions you would like

  to have answered just write to

  archy the cockroach

  poets

  the universe and archy

  the inspired cockroach

  sat and looked at each other

  satirically

  you write so many things

  about me that are not true

  complained the universe

  there are so many things

  about you which you seem to be

  unconscious of yourself said archy

  i contain a number of things

  which i am trying to forget

  rejoined the universe

  such as what asked archy

  such as cockroaches and poets

  replied the universe

  you are wrong contended archy

  for it is only by working up

  the most important part of yourself

  into the form of poets

  that you get a product capable

  of understanding you at all

  you poets were always able

  to get the better of me

  in argument said the universe

  and i think that is one thing

  that is the matter with you

  if you object to my intellect

  retorted archy i can only reply

  that i got it from you

  as well as everything else

  that should make you more humble

  at the zoo

  speaking of the aquarium i

  was up at the zoo the

  other day and when i saw all

  the humans staring at

  the animals i grew thankful that

  i am an insect and

  not an animal it must be

  very embarrassing to

  be looked at all the time by an

  assorted lot of human beings and

  commented upon as if

  one were a freak the animals find the

  humans just as strange and silly looking

  as the humans find the

  animals but they

  cannot say so and the fact that

  they cannot say so

  makes them quite angry the leopard

  told me that was one thing that

  made the wild cat wild as for

  himself he says there is

  one gink that comes every day and looks

  and looks and looks at him i

  think said the leopard he

  is waiting to see if i ever really do

  change my spots

  archy

  confessions of a glutton

  after i ate my dinner then i ate

  part of a shoe

  i found some archies by a bathroom pipe

  and ate them too

  i ate some glue

  i ate a bone that had got nice and ripe

  six weeks buried in the ground

  i ate a little mousie that i found

  i ate some sawdust from the cellar floor

  it tasted sweet

  i ate some outcast meat

  and some roach paste by the pantry doorr />
  and then the missis had some folks to tea

  nice folks who petted me

  and so i ate

  cakes from a plate

  i ate some polish that they use

  for boots and shoes

  and then i went back to the missis swell tea party

  i guess i must have eat too hearty

  of something maybe cake

  for then came the earthquake

  you should have seen the missis face

  and when the boss came in she said

  no wonder that dog hangs his head

  he knows hes in disgrace

  i am a well intentioned little pup

  but sometimes things come up

  to get a little dog in bad

  and now i feel so very very sad

  but the boss said never mind old scout

  time wears disgraces out

  pete the pup

  literary jealousy

  dear boss i dont see

  why you keep that ugly

  boston bull terrier pete

  hanging around

  eating his head off

  in these hard times

  he is nothing but a parasite

  and he has no morals

  he has tried several times

  to murder me

  archy

  When this ill-natured remark was read to Pete the Pup he ambled over to the typewriter, got up on his hind legs and pawed out the following reply:

  i coNSIder It beneath

  my Dignity to reply

  to The sLanders of a Jealous

  iNsect who does not

  have a pUnctuaTION mark

  in a baRRel of him

  he is MereLY an archy

  i am against anarchy

  I AM A CAPITALIST

  i wish to remind you however

  that ONE STORY WHICH

  YOU SOLD ABOUT ME BROUGHT

  IN ENOUGH MONEY TO FEED ME

  FOR FIVE YEARS AND I DENY

  THAT I AM A PARASITE

  moreover the time is

  coming when you have to choose

  between ME AND mehitabel

  that lousy cat and when i say

  LOusy i do not Mean the word

  in iTS sLang SENSE

  I mean Lousy in the sense of

  a CAT wHo has LICE

  pete the pup

  pete s theology

  god made seas to play beside

  and rugs to cover dogs

  god made cars for holidays

  and beetles under logs

  god made kitchens so thered be

  dinners to eat and scraps

  god made beds so pups could crawl

  under them for naps

  god made license numbers so theyd find

  lost pups and bring them home

  god made garbage buckets too

  to pry in when you roam

  god made tennis shoes to chew

  and here and there a hat

  but i cant see why god should make

  mehitabel the cat

  pete the pup

  pete petitions

  when we are in the city we must walk

  on streets all made of stone

  with me upon a leash

  and even in the park

  i must not frisk or lark

  and never run alone

  without a muzzle on my jaws

  and cops are watching all the time

  lest i dig with my claws

  and break some of their laws

  and if i leap and bark

  they act like i was bad

  master i want some little towns

  like we saw from the car

  with meadows all about

  where children romp and shout

  brooks winding in and out

  and nice bugs under stones

  gardens to bury bones

  and room to rip and race

  and cops are watching all the time

  and birds and cats to chase

  trash cans to be tipped over

  and grass to lie in and deep clover

  and fence posts everywhere

  no muzzles and no leashes there

  and lots and lots of trees

  o master buy a little town

  where we can settle down

  today o master please

  buy me a little town

  and a new rubber ball

  and an ocean and thats all

  right now o master please

  pete the pup

  a radical flea

  dear boss i wish you would speak

  to that lazy good for nothing

  boston bull terrier of yours

  whom you call pete

  pete has got the idea lately

  that he is a great hunter

  i saw him stage a dramatic battle

  with a grass hopper yesterday

  and he nearly won it too

  and this morning he made an entirely

  unprovoked attack on me

  it was only by retreating into

  the mechanism of your typewriter

  that i saved my life

  some day i will set mehitabel on him

  she can lick any bull terrier who ever lived

  she will make ribbons out of that pete

  and they wont be dog show ribbons either

  as for his pretensions to being a thoroughbred

  i take no stock in them

  i asked a flea of his about it

  recently and the flea said

  i doubt peters claim to aristocracy

  very much he does not look like

  an aristocrat to me

  and more than that he does not taste like one

  i have bit some pretty swell dogs

  in my time and i ought to know

  if pete is an aristocrat

  then i am a bengal tiger

  but in hard times like these

  a flea has got to put up with

  any kind of dog he can get hold of

  back in 1928 when things were booming

  i wouldnt look at anything

  but a dachshund with a pedigree

  as long as himself

  if the government doesnt start

  to putting out a better brand of dogs

  at federal expense

  a lot of us fleas are going

  to turn communist in a big way

  if there was any justice in this country

  they would give us russian wolf hounds

  i find a lot of discontent among

  insects in these days

  archy

  archy and the labor troubles

  all right boss

  i knuckle under

  if you will not

  pay me anything

  for what i write

  then you will not

  i will return to the job

  just to keep james the spider

  out of it but all the

  same it is cruel of you

  to play upon the

  jealousies

  and susceptibilities

  of artists in that fashion

  i do not know how

  you expect me to be

  merry and bright

  with this dull ache

  of disillusionment at my

  heart and the sharp

  pang of hunger

  in my stomach

  some day i will plunge

  into a mince pie

  and mingle with its elements

  and you will never see

  me more and then

  maybe you will begin

  to appreciate

  the poor little cockroach

  who slaved that you might

  live in comfort

  maybe in spite of myself

  i will haunt you then

  if i were you i would hate

  to be haunted by the ghost

  of a cockroach

  think o
f it boss

  everywhere you looked

  to see a spectral cockroach

  that none but you knew was

  there to pick him from

  your shirt front when

  others were blind to him

  to feel him crawling

  on your collar in public

  places to be compelled

  to brush him from your plate

  when you sat down to dine

  to pluck him always from the glass

  before you dared to drink

  to extend your hand

  to grab that of some fair

  lady and then hesitate and

  pick him from her wrist

  people would begin to think

  you were a little

  queer boss and if you

  attempted to explain

  they would think you still

  queerer what in the world

  is the matter with you

  they would say

  oh nothing nothing at all

  you would answer

  plucking at the air

  it will soon pass i merely

  thought i saw a cockroach

  on your nose madam

  suspicions of your sanity

  would grow and grow

  do you not like that

  pudding your hostess would ask

  and you would murmur

  being taken off your guard

  it is very good pudding

  indeed i was just

  trying not to eat

  the cockroach

  boss i do not make

  any threats at all

  i just simply state what

  may very well happen to

  you through remorse if you

  drive me to suicide

  i will try not to

  haunt you boss because

  i am loving and forgiving

  in my spirit but who

  knows that i will not be

  compelled to haunt you

  in spite of myself

  a hard heart will not get

  you anything boss

  remember the plagues

  of egypt perhaps to

  your remorseful mind i

  will be multiplied

  by millions i am giving

  you a last chance to

  repent you should be glad

  that i am only a cockroach

  and not a tarantula

  yours prophetically

  archy

  economic

  boss i should like